Tuesday Griveances... a continuation from Monday

I alluded to the fact that there were other things besides the stress of moving that were contributing to my overall blue mood of late. One of the biggest grievances which manifested long before the move, is my gym routine.

I went for sculpt class and yoga yesterday. But only because I had refused to go to the gym for 2 weeks beforehand. I was protesting in my own weird little way. I was upset because I'd been going to the gym for almost 6 months now with no visible results. I started out the same time as another friend, who I see shrinking everyday. This makes me feel defeated as I know I've always pushed myself really hard at all the classes I used to do. The fact that a tall, skinny, blond girl with long legs, wearing tiny shorts came to yoga yesterday made me feel miserable and teary all over again despite my temporary resolve to go back to the gym. I wanted to slap her. I thought to myself, gorgeous girls with long skinny legs should be banned from wearing tiny shorts at the gym. It just makes the rest of us feel depressed. And then I just felt like crying because I have short, stubby legs and a flabby ass which means I do not look good in tiny shorts. Unlike that bitch.

Anyway, I digress. It's incredibly disheartening to start going to the gym with a friend only to see that said friend is starting to look really great. You feel happy for your friend, but it does nothing for your self-confidence. But as my man pointed out to me, I was in pretty good shape when I started (I'm not saying I looked great, but I was pretty fit already) and therefore it would be harder for me to see any sort of visible results. It made sense. But it only marginally made me feel better.

What upsets me the most out of all of this is that I had pretty healthy body image before I started going to the gym. I knew I wasn't a physically stunning person, but I was satisfied with my body. I ate what I wanted to eat, I didn't over-indulge and I was sensible with most things. I had refused to be the type of girl who obsessed over how much she weighs and how she looks and pushes food around her plate. I refused to be one of those ridiculous skinny girls who would delusionally moan about how they were "fat." I always believed it was silly and I did not believe myself to be a silly person.

But ever since I started at the gym, I feel like I'm turning into one of those girls. It started out with the obsession to do so much cardio to the point of passing out. I was obsessed with dragging my ass to the gym every weekday to exercise because it would "allow me to burn fat." Then I started obsessing about the food that I ate. How much should I eat, how often should I eat and what should I eat. I was constantly thinking of exercise and food and it was exhausting. Then, after I sort of got used to constantly obsessing over how much I was exercising, how much I was eating, and what I was eating, I suppose I started expecting to see some results. And when I didn't, I got very upset and frustrated.

I never articulated that I wanted my body to change (for the better) as a result of going to the gym. In fact, in the beginning I maintained that the reason why I was joining the gym was to get healthier. Health-ier. There was no mention of slimming down. No mention of getting smaller thighs or a tighter butt. But I realised (some 2 days ago) that unconsciously, this was what I was expecting. And because my expectations were not met, I was experiencing significant cognitive dissonance. I was ultimately saddened by the fact that before all this gym & health nonsense, I was happy, but now I am not.

So I thought, if I want to maintain my sanity and get back to that happy place, I'm going to have to change my expectations.

Maybe I should go back to eating what I want, when I want since I have always been sensible about my food choices anyway. And maybe I should go back to going to the gym because it was my way of relieving stress. Maybe I should accept that the way my body looks now is how it's ever going to be and that it's not a bad thing as long as I maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Maybe.