Spare change

I made the mistake of only putting my hand up to teach 3 classes this semester. I am now struggling financially because I can barely make ends meet. I am anticipating that my situation will continue until the end of May and will worsen at the start of June because I will no longer be paid for teaching. This will continue until the end of July and I might experience some financial relief again only in August.

Money isn't really what many people like to talk about publicly. But, I am finding that in my continued frustration with my financial situation, talking about it to people helps me cope. I find it helpful in getting my friends to understand why I don't join in on certain activities, or why I can't eat at certain places. When my mother had her birthday at the end of February, I had to ring her up and ask if it was okay if her present was belated. I couldn't afford a gift. It is now more than a month after her birthday and I still cannot afford her gift. I suppose I reached a new low when I realised that my father's birthday is in just over a week and I can't afford a gift for him either. It just made me feel really lousy, knowing that I couldn't even afford to buy my parents gifts for their birthdays.

I had actually asked to teach 4 classes, but was told that only 3 had been opened up. I know $60 probably sounds like nothing, but that's something that could have gone towards a present for mum, or buying essentials that I need to replace my old, worn out items. Initially, I thought that there just weren't enough classes to go around and that enrolments weren't high enough. Only recently I found out that someone else was given that fourth class I wanted. While I really like this person and think very highly of, I also know that said person teaches other units at this university. And also at other universities. And has a job. In my opinion, 1 class would not make a difference to someone in that situation. But 1 class would definately make a difference to someone in my situation. Some days I just feel so cheated.

On some level, I still feel I only have myself to blame for not working out my finances properly before determining how much work I would have to do. When I hit poverty in Jan-Feb 2007, I was flat broke and didn't have money to spend even on my own birthday. I swore then that I would never be broke again. I spent the rest of 2007 saving up, knowing that I needed the money for the summer and my trips to New Zealand, Singapore and Thailand. I am now back to square one and although I am not broke per se, it is still very very tight.

My frustrations usually come from my research, but lately the shift has been towards my finances. I make jokes about being poor, but it is starting to really affect me. It has got to a point where not a day goes by that I do not feel down about this whole ridiculous situation and it is starting to distract me. It is especially hard seeing friends going shopping, buying things like clothes, handbags and makeup. But I cannot compare. We are all different. And at the end of the day, this was the life that I chose for myself.